Look, I'm the first to agree -- women are definitely from Venus. If Venus was a scary place filled with hormonal rants, crying jags and irrational thoughts and not a semi-gaseous planet (Is Venus actually semi-gaseous? I have no idea - I could be thinking of Jupiter).
But men... oh, man... men are from Crazy Town! (And, NOT Crazy Town the one-hit wonder band - whose lead singer was on Season 1 of Celebrity Rehab. Not the same Town. Neighboring counties, but different zips.)
ANYWAYS... to prove my assertion, I submit as Evidence, Item #142, my top five "I Find The Craziest Men" list! (So this entry does not exceed the memory capacity of The Internet itself, I am condensing them. Trust me, there are so many more...)
1. Wee Lil Man:
Date 1 from e-Harmony (circa 2007) - after much sobbing, wine drinking and eggroll-eating following my break up with Mr. Colorado, I was forced onto e-Harmony by well-intentioned friends. I went on two dates before having to close my account due to a cyber-stalking incident (don't worry, that makes the list.) So, Date 1... let me preface this by saying that I am an equal opportunity dater. If you are male, have a pulse and are not currently married, I am open to the possibility. So, Date 1 said he was 5'7". Totally cool. I'm 5'5". I put on my booby shirt (you know, the one that highlights your assets) and these killer brown suede stacked heels (duh, pants too) and went to meet Date 1 at a little pub. I walk in and this guy approaches me... If he stood on his tippy toes, he would have maybe stood as tall as my fabulous stacked heel. Fine, he was maybe 5'2". But, really??? Just say, 5'2". Instead I sat through three drinks (trust me, you would have thrown back the drinks if you outweighed your date by 50 lbs) and listened to the wee little man talk about how he was really into ballroom dancing. Dear Lord. I felt bad for him. I mean, he walked me to my car and actually tried to dip me. I think he threw out his back. Lesson learned here... don't lie about your height or weight or wonky eye, guys (or girls). We'll notice.
2. Hot-Yoga Dude (Not Hot, Yoga Dude):
Hot Yoga Dude started out as a totally great first date. I was super duper excited for a second date. Until he asked me to go to an 8 a.m. hot yoga class together as our second date. I said, well... I'd really prefer to not be all sweaty and icky on just our second date. Plus, I can't do hot yoga - the high temp really makes me feel sick. HYD did not like this answer, no he did not. He ranted and raved about how important it was to him - until I hung up. Buh bye.
3. Self-Help Guru:
Self-help books are great. I have a bunch. I haven't actually read them but I sleep with them under my pillow. You know, osmosis. Anyway, the guy I recently dated was a little obssessed with self-help books. He thought we should set aside an evening a week to "air our grievances" about the relationship in order to strengthen it. I think that could be a great idea - I think communication is paramount to lasting marital success. BUT WE HAD BEEN DATING SEVEN WEEKS. If you have that many things that you need to grieve about, you shouldn't be dating. Geez. This is the same guy that sent me four pages of notes on relationship tips that he had culled from divorce self-help books. He wanted me to memorize them so that we could implement the techniques during our everyday interactions. WTF?
4. Old Guy:
Right before I moved back to MD last year, I went out on a few casual dates with a guy I met volunteering. He was a lot older than me, but we had a ton of fun - and he had a motorcycle! We had a great time riding through the foothills and hanging out, making dinner, going to biker bars (I have many sides to me LOL). Oh, important for the story - he was 20 years sober. Totally cool with me. I didn't drink around him or had maybe a drink or two tops. He was fine with that. And, he knew I was leaving soon - and everything was totally casual. One night, we took his dog for a walk and we saw these kids on a playground. All of a sudden, he made me crouch down in the bushes with him and the dog and said that those kids were probably in a gang and that we needed to surprise them, not let them surprise us. HUH? I thought he was joking. No, he was serious. I actually think he was going through some flashback or something. We finally get back to his house, whew. Then he sits down on his couch and starts to tear up. He said that dating me (and I guess knowing that I was moving away) was testing his sobriety and he couldn't talk to me again. This is a kind of sad one but still. The sheer act of dating me tested someone's sobriety. I don't know what to say about that.
5. Purse Boy
Date Number 2 from E-Harmony. We met for dinner. Now, I don't really care what you eat or order but let me list what he actually had for dinner. You tell me if it is odd - at least odd when paired together. A beer. And, a chocolate milk shake. Together. (Both delicious - not always delicious together.) Okay so whatever, I thought that was odd. But, we talked; I tried to get to know him. He said his proudest moment was graduating college. Why? Because he "was a massive stoner and it was like really amazing that I graduated in just six years." Um, okay. So...not really my thing but, at this point he is still in the "quirky" category. And, then. We stood up and I commented that I liked his coat. He said and I quote, "Thanks, I bought it at a sale. I also bought a purse that I thought I could give to a nice lady one day. It's still in my basement. So, want me to walk you to your car?" Really? Again, say it with me, Really?? I ran, did not walk, away from the guy who probably would have made windchimes out of my rib bones. (This would prove to be the guy who wound up being somewhat stalkerish, but that's another entry.)
So there you have it. There are so many more examples that could be given but I need to wrap it up. I have a hot yoga class to attend.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Cookies and Workout Videos Don't Mix
I have a great idea and it's going to make me rich. I am going to create a line of workout videos for real people. Well, first I have to get skinny because otherwise no one would want to use my videos, BUT THEN I'll put my business plan into action.
My workout videos are going to be different because there will be no annoying encouragement talk at all. No, "Yeah, I see you working hard! Great job, I know you are moving!" Whatever. You can't see me. If you COULD see me, you'd see me huffing and puffing and grunting and dripping sweat onto the floor. My videos will acknowledge that. "Damn, you sure are a sweaty girl! You should wear a sweat band... wow, don't slip honey..."
My videos will also have no mention of how you should be feeling light and airy and buoyant. If I WAS light and airy and buoyant, I would not be doing this f-ing video. Geez. There is no way that my solid as a rock German-Dutch body can feel airy. Even my bones are sturdy. So, no. No, I do not feel light or airy, nor do I look it. Okay? How about, "If you keep doing this video and stop cramming food down your throat, maybe one day you will look as good as me in this skimpy workout outfit and also, possibly, feel light and airy too." Or, something along those lines. I'm still working on the delivery.
Here's another thing my videos would not have in them... references to food. Seriously, is this even up for debate? I literally just worked out to a Barre 3 method tape which was hard as $#%t and in the middle of some crazy ballet pose that I was trying to hold, she said, "Imagine you are holding out a biiiigggg, heavy tray of chocolate chip cookies." Now, why would I want to imagine that? If there was a big tray of cookies in front of me, my ass would be sitting down and eating them, not squatting in a plie holding my shaking, quaking arms out in front of me. Duh. THEN, we move on to the core work and she said, "Imagine you are holding a ripe peach under your chin." Again with the food. So, now I want a cookie and some peach cobbler. HOW is that helpful, you skinny little ballet person?
Not every workout tape is created equal and not all trainers are as annoying as others. I mean, some just make stupid jokes (Tony Horton) which start to grow on you, probably because your brain is being deprived of oxygen doing P90 Turbo X Kenpo Squared Yoga Firebreathing Dragon Cardio X. And, some are actually quite helpful. I am personally motivated by Jillian Michaels - she calls it like it is. I find it refreshing and motivating. And, real. Like when she screams at you to keep going. Yeah it hurts like hell. Yeah it doesn't feel good. Of course you want to stop but you can't because if you don't burn the calories you will stay fat. I like that. Because I am a whiny exerciser when left to my own devices. I will find most anything to avoid it. But, put me in a great class or boot camp and I will keep going. I will fight to finish. Don't get me wrong. She's annoying too. But, at least she's honest.
So, give me a few more months to lose some more weight. Then a few more months to get my funding in order... by this time next year, my Fat Butt Workouts will be available nationwide and they will come complete with some freshly baked cookies.
My workout videos are going to be different because there will be no annoying encouragement talk at all. No, "Yeah, I see you working hard! Great job, I know you are moving!" Whatever. You can't see me. If you COULD see me, you'd see me huffing and puffing and grunting and dripping sweat onto the floor. My videos will acknowledge that. "Damn, you sure are a sweaty girl! You should wear a sweat band... wow, don't slip honey..."
My videos will also have no mention of how you should be feeling light and airy and buoyant. If I WAS light and airy and buoyant, I would not be doing this f-ing video. Geez. There is no way that my solid as a rock German-Dutch body can feel airy. Even my bones are sturdy. So, no. No, I do not feel light or airy, nor do I look it. Okay? How about, "If you keep doing this video and stop cramming food down your throat, maybe one day you will look as good as me in this skimpy workout outfit and also, possibly, feel light and airy too." Or, something along those lines. I'm still working on the delivery.
Here's another thing my videos would not have in them... references to food. Seriously, is this even up for debate? I literally just worked out to a Barre 3 method tape which was hard as $#%t and in the middle of some crazy ballet pose that I was trying to hold, she said, "Imagine you are holding out a biiiigggg, heavy tray of chocolate chip cookies." Now, why would I want to imagine that? If there was a big tray of cookies in front of me, my ass would be sitting down and eating them, not squatting in a plie holding my shaking, quaking arms out in front of me. Duh. THEN, we move on to the core work and she said, "Imagine you are holding a ripe peach under your chin." Again with the food. So, now I want a cookie and some peach cobbler. HOW is that helpful, you skinny little ballet person?
Not every workout tape is created equal and not all trainers are as annoying as others. I mean, some just make stupid jokes (Tony Horton) which start to grow on you, probably because your brain is being deprived of oxygen doing P90 Turbo X Kenpo Squared Yoga Firebreathing Dragon Cardio X. And, some are actually quite helpful. I am personally motivated by Jillian Michaels - she calls it like it is. I find it refreshing and motivating. And, real. Like when she screams at you to keep going. Yeah it hurts like hell. Yeah it doesn't feel good. Of course you want to stop but you can't because if you don't burn the calories you will stay fat. I like that. Because I am a whiny exerciser when left to my own devices. I will find most anything to avoid it. But, put me in a great class or boot camp and I will keep going. I will fight to finish. Don't get me wrong. She's annoying too. But, at least she's honest.
So, give me a few more months to lose some more weight. Then a few more months to get my funding in order... by this time next year, my Fat Butt Workouts will be available nationwide and they will come complete with some freshly baked cookies.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Fashion Report
In case seeing 80's fashions in stores wasn't scary enough,
according to Urban Outfitters this fall The Trend is:
Do ya'll remember wearing plaids shirts back in the day? According to my photos from the 1990's, this was not a good idea then.
Why re-live the frump now?
P.S. Why would you want to mix anything with "disheveled plaids"? Oy vey.
P.P.S. Young girls are apparently going to be dressing in 90's "vintage" attire this fall. Does this mean I am officially old?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Estro-Lair Inhabitants
If we are going to be friends, I figured you'd want to see who you are sharing the Estrogen Lair with... namely, Rocky the Wise 
and Gus Gus the intellectually-challenged.
Big Girls DO Cry
Right now, I do a lot of thinking about weight. More specifically, my weight. I have been unhappy with my size for a long time. I never had a problem (was an average size 6 or 8 for most of my 20s) until I moved to Denver. The stress of the move, a difficult relationship, homesickness, etc., all created the perfect storm. I started to eat to feel better. I didn't even know I was doing it. Until I blinked and was up A LOTTA pounds and had no idea how it happened.
Suddenly my ass wasn't just a little junk in the trunk. Suddenly my ass needed its own zip code. I could have served tea off my ass, I swear. No one would ever try it, and trust me, I asked my friends to try, but I BET you that it could have been done. I guess I should be grateful that I gain weight proportionately - at least that's what I've been told. All that means to me is that my face is as fat as my ass. Essentially, all my weight goes to my cheeks - either the ones on my face on the ones that I sit on.
Over the past seven years, I've tried almost every fad diet in the book. They all work. Until you stop. And, then, since you have only eaten cabbage soup or only drank shakes for three weeks, you are starving and you want to eat every item on McDonald's dollar menu AND a two pound bag of M&Ms. Dipped in guacamole.
So, I'm done with the fad diets. I have to lose the weight realistically. Rationally. Slowly. It's not fun. At some point in my life, food became somewhat of a comfort for me. And, food should be comforting and yummy and make you happy - but you can't eat the entire refrigerator. And, I needed - need - to relearn that. And, retrain myself to enjoy exercise. Big girls don't enjoy exercise. Shit jiggles. It ain't pretty. I don't like the gym that much because I sweat. A lot. Like a really advanced pig that can operate an elliptical.
But all kidding aside, I am ready to do this for myself. I am ready to reclaim my life and my body and my self-esteem that has been languishing in My Ass Is Fat Land for years. People treat larger people different. And, you don't even have to be "that" large. You can just be heavier than skinny. Trust me. I've been a size 2 and a size 14. You are treated differently. But, I am not doing it to be noticed. I am serious about reclaiming my body for myself. I deserve to have a healthy body. I deserve to lead a healthy life. I deserve to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.
Weight Loss for this week: 3.8 pounds
I'm NOT going to give up on myself this time.
Suddenly my ass wasn't just a little junk in the trunk. Suddenly my ass needed its own zip code. I could have served tea off my ass, I swear. No one would ever try it, and trust me, I asked my friends to try, but I BET you that it could have been done. I guess I should be grateful that I gain weight proportionately - at least that's what I've been told. All that means to me is that my face is as fat as my ass. Essentially, all my weight goes to my cheeks - either the ones on my face on the ones that I sit on.
Over the past seven years, I've tried almost every fad diet in the book. They all work. Until you stop. And, then, since you have only eaten cabbage soup or only drank shakes for three weeks, you are starving and you want to eat every item on McDonald's dollar menu AND a two pound bag of M&Ms. Dipped in guacamole.
So, I'm done with the fad diets. I have to lose the weight realistically. Rationally. Slowly. It's not fun. At some point in my life, food became somewhat of a comfort for me. And, food should be comforting and yummy and make you happy - but you can't eat the entire refrigerator. And, I needed - need - to relearn that. And, retrain myself to enjoy exercise. Big girls don't enjoy exercise. Shit jiggles. It ain't pretty. I don't like the gym that much because I sweat. A lot. Like a really advanced pig that can operate an elliptical.
But all kidding aside, I am ready to do this for myself. I am ready to reclaim my life and my body and my self-esteem that has been languishing in My Ass Is Fat Land for years. People treat larger people different. And, you don't even have to be "that" large. You can just be heavier than skinny. Trust me. I've been a size 2 and a size 14. You are treated differently. But, I am not doing it to be noticed. I am serious about reclaiming my body for myself. I deserve to have a healthy body. I deserve to lead a healthy life. I deserve to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.
Weight Loss for this week: 3.8 pounds
I'm NOT going to give up on myself this time.
Monday, August 29, 2011
S%@t! Now what?
I have performance anxiety. I just posted my new little bitty blog online for the world-I mean, all 442 Facebook friends-to see and now I am stricken. What to write about? What's too much? What's not enough? Dammit, I knew I should have just gotten a tattoo. That would have entertained me for a while. But a blog? Now I have to keep thinking of shit to say. (Note to readers - all three of you: I curse. Sometimes I curse a lot. Yes, I agree that sometimes cursing is immature and perhaps a sign of poor vocabulary... but it's my blog (na ne na ne boo boo) and so I'll probably wind up using curse words intermixed with polysyllabic words, primarily for effect. Just call it a writing technique. Plus, it's not like I curse at work. Or in church.)
Anyway, I digress.
So, back to my anxiety. Shocking. I decided to start writing a blog to get out the crazy thoughts running through my anxiety-riddled brain and what happens? I get anxiety about writing the blog. Are you starting to sense the issue here? I dream up things to be anxious about. Apparently I did this even as a kid. At least I'm consistent.
Since there aren't nearly enough fascinating events in my daily life to actually accumulate more than like, um, six interesting posts, I think I'll need to pepper my daily exploits with other tidbits. For instance, any crafty girl projects I start up (Next on the crafting agenda - ceramic coasters decoupaged with scrapbook paper. I'll post a tutorial, doncha worry. These babies are cheap AND adorable!) And, I have had more than my fair share of bad relationships/bad dates, so as those no doubt continue to accumulate (if I ever actually leave the basement), I can share them. And of course, I am going to use this as a motivational tool to help me lose the weight I gained while living in The Healthiest State in the Country (See? Even my weight gain is ironic.) So, I'll chronicle that too. (Scintillating, I know.)
Okay, I'm feeling better about this. I think I can do - Oh - awesome - Intervention is on. Love me some Intervention... although it just makes me want a drink. I wish I had some wine... is it really fair that wine has calories??
I think my blog has ADHD.
Anyway, I digress.
So, back to my anxiety. Shocking. I decided to start writing a blog to get out the crazy thoughts running through my anxiety-riddled brain and what happens? I get anxiety about writing the blog. Are you starting to sense the issue here? I dream up things to be anxious about. Apparently I did this even as a kid. At least I'm consistent.
Since there aren't nearly enough fascinating events in my daily life to actually accumulate more than like, um, six interesting posts, I think I'll need to pepper my daily exploits with other tidbits. For instance, any crafty girl projects I start up (Next on the crafting agenda - ceramic coasters decoupaged with scrapbook paper. I'll post a tutorial, doncha worry. These babies are cheap AND adorable!) And, I have had more than my fair share of bad relationships/bad dates, so as those no doubt continue to accumulate (if I ever actually leave the basement), I can share them. And of course, I am going to use this as a motivational tool to help me lose the weight I gained while living in The Healthiest State in the Country (See? Even my weight gain is ironic.) So, I'll chronicle that too. (Scintillating, I know.)
Okay, I'm feeling better about this. I think I can do - Oh - awesome - Intervention is on. Love me some Intervention... although it just makes me want a drink. I wish I had some wine... is it really fair that wine has calories??
I think my blog has ADHD.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
What's next? Locusts?
One thing I never thought I'd be able to claim: I have experienced an earthquake. But, after the 5.9 earthquake that hit the East Coast this week, I can indeed say such a thing. I was at the office and no one really knew what was happening until it was practically over. I started to head under my desk considering my desk backs up to floor-to-ceiling windows and I didn't want to ruin my sweater by getting impaled on a large window shard. Some people started running out the doors, although I'm not sure that was the best idea since the two story atrium of our building is all glass as well.
I'm glad no one was injured and that damage was minimal. (I know the West Coast-ers were mocking us East Coast-ers for panicking, but I think that considering many people feeling this quake also lived through the 9/11 attacks in some way or another, panic seems understandable. You don't forget the fear that came with 9/11 -- even if you weren't actually at one of the sites.) Anyway, I didn't know that earthquakes made a noise - that is what threw me. There was a really loud sound accompanying the tremor and that is what made me think that we were being attacked or had been hit by something at first. Then I realized, as my stapler started bouncing towards the edge of my desk, it was an earthquake. It was definitely a scary experience and I can only imagine what a truly devasting earthquake must feel like.
The strange thing is, Colorado experienced an earthquake the day before DC was hit with one. That is very unusual. I started to worry that The Universe had it out for me and was a little behind on my current address. This irrational concern was further cemented as the week's next visitor started up the coast...
Hurricane Irene is moving through the DMV this weekend. A hurricane coming through on the heels of the quake? WTF? I figure we are due for a serious locust infestation or some other biblical plague next. Maybe the stink bugs ARE the infestation? Geez. And, everyone back home was worried about blizzards when I lived in Denver - land of no humidity and 300 days of sunshine. Uh huh.
I find the craziness that has preceeds the actual "event" is a little funny. For instance - I get stocking up on bottled water and batteries, etc. That makes sense. But, can you explain why I came home yesterday to three loaves of bread AND three packages of english muffins? Apparently, if the power goes out my parents think we are going to be eating a lot of untoasted carbohydrates.
I didn't stop and buy anything at grocery store yesterday. My rationale was if we are stuck in the house without power and nothing to eat for a few days, that will only help my weight loss goals. I've stocked up for blizzards before in Denver and gained about 10 pounds in three days. Clearly, my idea of stocking up is more about liters of wine, blocks of Velveeta and bags of tortilla chips than it is about loaves of bread and bottled water.
However you prepare for natural disasters, me and the cats hope you stay safe and dry (and well-hydrated with the beverage of your choice) this weekend as Ms. Irene comes to town!
I'm glad no one was injured and that damage was minimal. (I know the West Coast-ers were mocking us East Coast-ers for panicking, but I think that considering many people feeling this quake also lived through the 9/11 attacks in some way or another, panic seems understandable. You don't forget the fear that came with 9/11 -- even if you weren't actually at one of the sites.) Anyway, I didn't know that earthquakes made a noise - that is what threw me. There was a really loud sound accompanying the tremor and that is what made me think that we were being attacked or had been hit by something at first. Then I realized, as my stapler started bouncing towards the edge of my desk, it was an earthquake. It was definitely a scary experience and I can only imagine what a truly devasting earthquake must feel like.
The strange thing is, Colorado experienced an earthquake the day before DC was hit with one. That is very unusual. I started to worry that The Universe had it out for me and was a little behind on my current address. This irrational concern was further cemented as the week's next visitor started up the coast...
Hurricane Irene is moving through the DMV this weekend. A hurricane coming through on the heels of the quake? WTF? I figure we are due for a serious locust infestation or some other biblical plague next. Maybe the stink bugs ARE the infestation? Geez. And, everyone back home was worried about blizzards when I lived in Denver - land of no humidity and 300 days of sunshine. Uh huh.
I find the craziness that has preceeds the actual "event" is a little funny. For instance - I get stocking up on bottled water and batteries, etc. That makes sense. But, can you explain why I came home yesterday to three loaves of bread AND three packages of english muffins? Apparently, if the power goes out my parents think we are going to be eating a lot of untoasted carbohydrates.
I didn't stop and buy anything at grocery store yesterday. My rationale was if we are stuck in the house without power and nothing to eat for a few days, that will only help my weight loss goals. I've stocked up for blizzards before in Denver and gained about 10 pounds in three days. Clearly, my idea of stocking up is more about liters of wine, blocks of Velveeta and bags of tortilla chips than it is about loaves of bread and bottled water.
However you prepare for natural disasters, me and the cats hope you stay safe and dry (and well-hydrated with the beverage of your choice) this weekend as Ms. Irene comes to town!
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