Big Girls DO Cry

Right now, I do a lot of thinking about weight. More specifically, my weight. I have been unhappy with my size for a long time. I never had a problem (was an average size 6 or 8 for most of my 20s) until I moved to Denver. The stress of the move, a difficult relationship, homesickness, etc., all created the perfect storm. I started to eat to feel better. I didn't even know I was doing it. Until I blinked and was up A LOTTA pounds and had no idea how it happened.


Suddenly my ass wasn't just a little junk in the trunk. Suddenly my ass needed its own zip code. I could have served tea off my ass, I swear. No one would ever try it, and trust me, I asked my friends to try, but I BET you that it could have been done. I guess I should be grateful that I gain weight proportionately - at least that's what I've been told. All that means to me is that my face is as fat as my ass. Essentially, all my weight goes to my cheeks - either the ones on my face on the ones that I sit on.


Over the past seven years, I've tried almost every fad diet in the book. They all work. Until you stop. And, then, since you have only eaten cabbage soup or only drank shakes for three weeks, you are starving and you want to eat every item on McDonald's dollar menu AND a two pound bag of M&Ms. Dipped in guacamole.


So, I'm done with the fad diets. I have to lose the weight realistically. Rationally. Slowly. It's not fun. At some point in my life, food became somewhat of a comfort for me. And, food should be comforting and yummy and make you happy - but you can't eat the entire refrigerator. And, I needed - need - to relearn that. And, retrain myself to enjoy exercise. Big girls don't enjoy exercise. Shit jiggles. It ain't pretty. I don't like the gym that much because I sweat. A lot. Like a really advanced pig that can operate an elliptical.


But all kidding aside, I am ready to do this for myself. I am ready to reclaim my life and my body and my self-esteem that has been languishing in My Ass Is Fat Land for years. People treat larger people different. And, you don't even have to be "that" large. You can just be heavier than skinny. Trust me. I've been a size 2 and a size 14. You are treated differently. But, I am not doing it to be noticed. I am serious about reclaiming my body for myself. I deserve to have a healthy body. I deserve to lead a healthy life. I deserve to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.


Weight Loss for this week: 3.8 pounds


I'm NOT going to give up on myself this time.