i have no witty title for this blog post

I'm tired tonight so this entry is probably going to be hard to follow. If you want to stop reading now, I understand.

Why am I tired? Well, last night I enjoyed an entertaining evening of Hooters Trivia. I enjoyed the experience for a few reasons. #1 - I discovered that Hooters serves cheap ass beer. Which is great for me since I enjoy cheap ass beer. #2 - Trivia questions at Hooters are really, really easy. I actually think they were adapted from "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" It's also amusing answering questions asked by girls wearing sexy school girl costumes.

Sexy Schoolgirl Hooters Girl: "What does af...af...af (covers mic, "How do you pronounce this word?) affluent mean?"
That was one of the questions last night. So awesome.

Okay, so we've established I'm tired. But, I woke up this morning all cheerful and you know why? Because I discovered Warm Cinnamon Sugar Cookie coffee creamer. And it's delicious. I know it is filled with trans fat that is hidden amongst other ingredients and it has horrible fake sweeteners in it. But, you know what? My skin lotion, hair products, makeup, nail polish and just about anything I put on my body is paraben and toxin-free. The Sugar Cookie creamer is LIMITED EDITION. So, I am going to go right ahead and wake up every freaking morning and drink my coffee with the delicious yet poisonous creamer. And I am going to enjoy it.
 

I'm chock full of trans fats! And, I'm delicious!

On to the next thing that I currently excited about. It's FALL so that means caramel apples in the stores!! Here's the really exciting part... this is my first fall back in MD (fully) and I can enjoy caramel apples dipped in crushed peanuts! In CO, they only sell caramel apples dipped in... rice krispies. They are called Daffy Apples and they are disgusting. Eww. So I am super excited about the whole peanuts on the caramel apple thing and partake in this fall tradition which I have missed so.

Yes, a new season is upon us and it just makes me happy. I love seasons and all the seasonally fun stuff you can do! Football! (well, Tailgating!) Knitting! Pumpkin picking! Sweaters! Fun socks! I'm giddy on the possibilities! You enjoy this fall weekend, y'all! OMG I am so tired I'm giddy and overusing exclamation points. It's time for bed. (!!!!!!!!)

I am The Biggest Loser

I am The Biggest Loser. Yup. The biggest.

Don't worry, I'm not sliding back into a puddle of self-loathing. I actually AM my office's Biggest Loser! I won the contest! $740 smackers!

Isn't that just sooooo exciting? Aren't you just jumping up and down in sheer joy for me? You aren't? Geez, what kind of blog follower ARE YOU? It's okay. I forgive you. I can't afford to lose any blog followers at this point.

All it took to win was 16.5 pounds lost, primarily from my ass cheeks and face. If I had to guess, I'd say 10 pounds off the ass and about 6.5 pounds off my pumpkin head. I think I saw a cheekbone the other day so we're making some progress. But, I hadn't eaten or drank any water for about 12 hours at that point, so the cheekbone could have been a delusion, a mirage of some kind.

 After I weighed in, I promptly guzzled about 20 oz of water because I was about to dry up and blow away from dehydration, then launched right into what can once again be called... BAGEL WEDNESDAY! Woot Woot.

I fess up...after the contest was over, I did have a few days of off-plan eating. Really off-plan eating. For instance, tator tots and ranch dressing are not diet-friendly." However, it is Michelle-friendly. Yum. And, yum.

But, after a few days of some indulging, I woke up this morning ready to get right back on track with eating right and exercising. It's back to a more moderate routine (which is good because by last Wednesday at 9:55 a.m. I was ready to murder someone/eat packing peanuts/eat packing peanuts while murdering someone.)

So, with the world/scores of loyal readers/my cats as my witness, here is what I am commiting to:

1200 calories a day
2x a week strength training - Barre 3 workout
3x a week cardio - 30-45 minutes
Plan for any splurges with an extra workout.

With those committments stated, I'm signing off. So many new tv shows, so little time. Don't worry, I'll do squats while I watch.

Raindrops On Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

I thought it might be fun to do a post on some of my favorite things. Because I know you, my dear readers, are interested. Well probably not, but whatever. Coming up with blog topics isn't as easy as you might think. 

So, while Julie Andrews may have the market cornered on bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, these are a few of MY favorite things… 

Almay Intense eye liner in Black Pearl -  this stuff is the bomb. It goes on smoothly, even though it is a pencil, and it stays put. I love it. You should love it too. 

Clinique lip gloss in Air Kiss and Black Honey – I love Clinique’s lip products. The almost-lipstick and the lip gloss are fantastic. They stay put but aren’t crazy in your face bright or shiny. Just perfect for a natural beauty such as myself. 

Chacos flip-flops – these babies are orthopedically correct and feel better than walking in slippers. I wear them every day. They are like $60 but totally worth it. 

Danskos Mary Janes – I love these shoes because a)my heel spurs don’t hurt when I wear them and b) the Mary Jane style is still a little cute, and you can see cute socks through the cut-outs.

Lion Brand Wool-Ease Chunk yarn – this yarn knits up so quickly, you can knock out a scarf/hat/whatever in no time flat. Plus it is not too spendy so its great for holiday gifts.

Alba and Burt’s Bees and St. Ives beauty products – I love these products because they are non-toxic -- paraben-free AND cruelty free. They offer great products for a variety of needs and they aren’t going to poison you. I use Alba moisturizer, Burt’s Bees anti-aging creams and serums, and St. Ives body wash and Apricot scrub.

Pinterest.com – If you are a true fan of this blog, you will have already read about my obsession with Pinterest.com. I blame my sister in law for this. She introduced me to it. But this website is so cool. It is a great place to house ideas and products you adore, plus gather and save new ideas. Heart it. 

NCIS is the best show ever broadcast in the whole wide world. Primarily because it stars Mark Harmon, who play Jethro Gibbs, who is my imaginary tv character husband. Secondly, it stars Michael Weatherly, who plays Anthony DiNozzo, whom I will marry after my first husband kicks it because he's a lot older than me. Also, Abby and Ziva? Bad ass chicks.

Pam Dawber who? I LOVE Plumpty Dumpty Bloggesses.

One of my favorite bands right now is The Avett Brothers. Their songs make me happy and sad at the same time. Also, the lead singer is so hot; if you know anyone that that looks like him and has a fondness for plumpty-dumpty brunettes, you just pass along this here blog web address.

I am a brother Avett and I look hot in my hippie folk guy outfit.

 My favorite flower...peonies are so beautiful.

There is nothing clever to say about me.

I am not a big fan of protein bars; they either taste like crap or they taste great but they are not great for you. That's why I am so happy that some nice lady named Lara created Larabars. They are totally natural bars - fruit and nuts. They taste yum and they are good for you - yay! My favorites are Cashew Cookie and Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter.

I taste extra special good when you have biked for hours and are super duper hungry
and I am stashed in your bike jersey.

My favorite food in the whole entire world (other than cream of crab soup, eggplant parmesan, saag paneer (Indian creamed spinach), chicken tikka masala and um, a bunch of other things) is GUACAMOLE! And the best kind you can buy is Whole Foods' housemade. So utterly delicious.



Hi. I'm Delicious.



Sooo... that's all for now. I am having a hard time blogging about food when I am in starvation mode until 10 a.m. tomorrow. Cheerio! Dammit. Even my goodbye is a food reference.

What's one of your favorite things? Leave me a comment!

If I Could Eat This Blog, I Would

 

 

Today, I am about as crabby and bitchy as I could be. Like, if PMS mated with a crazy zombie and had a crazy PMS-enraged zombie baby, that’s how bitchy I am right now. I barely made it through the work day without inflicting bodily harm on anyone. Why so bitchy, you ask? Well, I have been barely eating for the last few days and limiting my fluid intake, while upping my cardio, in order to shed as much water weight as possible in order to win the Biggest Loser contest on Wednesday. I have 1.5 days left. **Warning** If I do not win this contest at my office, I may possibly get violent with the jackass guy whose plan all along was to dehydrate himself drastically in the days before and beat me at the end through total water weight alone. He’s already done this once in another session of this stupid contest before I worked here. So, if he does this again and comes from behind to beat me after I’ve head the lead almost the whole time AND after I current have a 9% lead on him, I am going to go Kung-Fu Panda on his ass. I don’t even know what that means because I never saw that movie, but if that 300-pound beast thinks I can’t inflict pain on him, he is seriously underestimating the power and determination of a hungry, bitchy woman.  



Before anyone tells me that my strategy isn’t a good one, and that water weight doesn’t stay off, let me assure you – I know this. I have lost just shy of 15 pounds at this point; anything over that I know will be water weight. However, if the guys are going to play that game to win $740, then I am too. So, I just have to tough it out. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it.   

To distract myself from the gnawing (I HATE words with silent Gs; silent Gs are so stupid) hunger and thirst and burning pain in my quads from doing more cardio this week than I enjoy doing in a year, I am spending the evening blogging and watching season premieres on TV. I’m looking forward to How I Met Your Mother (but I swear are they EVER going to get to the WHERE HE ACTUALLY MEETS HEIR MOTHER??) and Castle, even though Beckett was shot in the finale and we are led to believe she’s going to die. To the writers I say, really? The television viewing public is not THAT stupid. I highly doubt the hot female lead that every plot revolves around will get killed off. So, although I am looking forward to the show because I have no life and I am bitchy and need to be distracted, I haven’t been losing sleep about old Kate Beckett’s demise on the show. 

I’m also trying to find a good Halloween costume online. I am going to a Halloween party this year with a friend (a fundraiser that is held every year and supposedly a blast) and I want to have a good costume. The problem is that I enjoy costumes with a little substance. I don’t to be one of 10 “sexy cops” or 100 “sexy [insert ANYTHING here]. Not to mention that after looking online at the costume offerings, those “sexy” costumes look like they’d barely cover my ass, which we’ve already established as NOT SMALL. (Although I did look at the measurement guide and according to that I could fit into the costumes. I’m just not sure if I want to.)  At the moment, though, I am drawing a blank on ideas, probably because my brain is slowly atrophying from the lack of nutrients. Any suggestions? I don’t like scary or ugly. Help me. I beg of you.

A Reason for Everything

I have several random thoughts I'd like to get out of the way first, and then we are going to tackle something I think about often. No, not George Clooney and I being the last two people on Earth and having to mate or else risk extinction of the human race. Although, that crosses my mind occasionally. No, what I'd like to ruminate on is that there is a purpose, a reason, for everything that happens in life.

But first things first.

1. To anyone who didn't experience the bootie (booty?) shoe (boot?) trend in the mid-90's, I'd like to just take a  moment and explain why you should pass on this footwear option in 2011. As someone who owned not one, but three pairs of these "booties" in high school, the big issue here is that they don't really satisfy any category, thereby leaving you wanting more. They are more than a shoe but leave a lot to be desired in the boot department. I feel like I need to impart my wisdom and fashion sense on someone and the cats don't wear shoes often, so I'm telling you - YOU - instead. Buy some boots.
Or, purchase some shoes. Pass on the booties.

2. Why is there a show called Wipeout First Date Edition? Is dating not hard enough, cruel television executives? Why must you add wet suits, helmets and obstacles coated in strange and probably toxic foam cushioning to the mix? Why? Because after seeing me in a wet suit and helmet getting my ass knocked into a pool after slipping off a weird turning machine, some guy is going to want to then go out with me again? See, I just don't think anyone put a lot of thought into this one. Why am I not consulted on stuff like this? I have a blog. I have SIX followers. I know stuff. Consult me!

3. Um, I think that's all I really wanted to rant about. On to "Everything Has a Reason" otherwise titled...

Everything Better F-ing Happen For a Reason or I Am Going to Be Really Pissed In The End

Haha. That was joke. I really do think everything happens for a reason. It has taken me a LONG time to realize and accept this but I do now. For instance, I do a lot of bitching on this here bloggy blog. I complain about my weight, about living in cowtown, about living with my parental units, about being single (geez, I DO complain a lot - why is anyone reading this shit?) But, really I am mocking life situations in a self-deprecating manner. That's totally different than complaining. Because I'm actually not complaining. My life is pretty good. Of course I want to change some things, but what's great is I can identify these things and make those changes happen. I am ready to move ahead. I feel good. I embrace all of my life experiences because it has made me into the person I am today. A bitter, self-deprecating cat lady, you ask? NO! A grateful and humble person who appreciates the everyday beauty in life, who has amazing friends and family, who wants to be healthy inside and outside for the right reasons -- a person who is embracing all of the potential and possibilities of the future.

It was not always so.

I spent years 16 - 30something living my life for the men I dated. I didn't realize it at the time, although I know my mother did. (Because my mother knows everything, blah blah blah.) I didn't develop my own sense of self, cultivate my strengths or most importantly, embrace my weaknesses. I thought that my boyfriend would complete me. We'd get married, we'd have kids, I'd make Jello Jigglers as a PTA mom and - welll, that is about as far as I got in my life scenario.

Since I'm single and the only thing jiggling in my life are my thighs, you have probably figured out that the above life plan did not come to fruition for me. Blame it on whatever you want - I have terrible taste in men (I usually pick 'em needy and helpless), I messed up things when they were good, I just didn't meet the right person. Regardless, I am still single.



This can't be true? Can it?



When I was 25, I moved to Colorado to begin a new chapter in my life with someone that I thought was "The One." I thought we'd get married. I thought this because he told me that we would, so I didn't just dream this shit up. I was as wrong about that as I was about wearing those booty shoes in 1992. We broke up after three years.

But, guess what? I am so happy I moved to Colorado. I am so happy that we broke up. If we hadn't broken up, I'd be divorced right now. If I hadn't moved to Colorado, many things wouldn't have occurred that have made me the person I am today.

I wouldn't have meet amazing people who will remain lifelong friends. These people were and are my lifelines. These are women and men who helped me move, brought me Gatorade when I was sick, invited me to holidays, let me be godmom to their kids, spent hours talking, laughing, drinking, knitting, et al, with me. I am forever changed for the better by the friends I made in Colorado and I would have never met these wonderful humans if I hadn't dated Mr. Colorado. Going a step further - what wonderful and awesome people have I met and reconnected with since moving back? And, who is still out there just waiting to be my friend?? :)

I wouldn't have Rocky and Gus Gus if I hadn't moved to Colorado. These two furry munchkins are my little buddies. They keep me company when I am alone, lay next to me when I am sad, and greet me when I come home. Say what you will about me finding other cats that I'd love just as much, but these two cats are my babies and I can't imagine having any other animal children.

I would not have my current job if I hadn't moved to Colorado. The skill set I developed and the confidence I gained while working for the bank in Denver in community relations and marketing, not to mention my networking skills that I picked up there, helped me land this job. (Holy Run-On Sentence, Batman.) Not only that, but taking the There Is A Reason For Everything theme to another level, if I hadn't worked as a brokerage assistant briefly before moving to Colorado, I wouldn't have known my former boss, who hired me to edit his book when I returned back to MD last year. If I hadn't been editing the book, I wouldn't have met my collaborator, who runs an investment publishing company and who decided he liked me and hired me as a marketing manager. And, I love my job now. I feel confident and fulfilled in my job. There is room for growth. There are challenges. I feel motivated. All because I worked for the bank. In Colorado.

If I had not dated Misters A, M, R, T, R (again), L, P, E, A2, Mr. Colorado, M, and M2... I would not be the person I am today. Every single person I have had a relationship with has taught me a lesson. Mr. P taught me how to make a killer eggplant parmesan. He also taught me that I will never again accept being verbally abused. Several of the intellectually-challenged ones taught me that I need a partner who is smart. Someone that keeps me engaged. From Mr. Colorado I learned that I need someone social, who likes to be out and about, who wants to meet and hang out with my friends. I realized that I needed someone with a sense of humor after dating Mr.T who was hot, but who didn't make me laugh. And, ALL of them taught me that I don't need to change myself to fit their definition of what they wanted in a woman. The last guy, Mr. M, didn't understand why I ended things immediately after he said that my hair length was a mutual decision between me and him, and why I was bothered when he kept asking me to change certain parts of myself just a smidge. And, I'm not talking about him wanting me to stop smoking crack in an alley. Cuz I don't. Smoke crack. In an alley, at least. (KIDDING...)

But, after YEARS of on-the-job experience, I finally have learned that I do not need to change for anyone. I am good enough, just as I am.

I guess my point of this rather wordy post is that, all jokes and kidding aside about my cat-hair infested life in my parents' basement, I am okay. I am worthy. I am happy. I am working on getting happier. It is not too late for anything. One day, someone is going to love me for me, for all of me. That person will love me for my tendency to over-share, for my love of sparkles and glitter, for my sometimes witty, sometimes annoying, banter. I will be loved for my over-sensitivity, for my bleeding heart, and for my tendency to talk to animals and inanimate objects, as well as for my stubborn streak, my distaste for early mornings, and the fact that I turn into a grump when I am tired. Someone is going to want to go out for my favorite meal (brunch), will want to spend Sundays reading the paper and drinking coffee with me, and will accept that I only like sports when there is beer involved. 



There is a man out there who will love me so much that he will indeed say this. True story.

 

I'm thankful everything has happened in my life exactly the way it has because all of the experiences, all of those pieces of my heart that I gave out and never got back, all of the days when I didn't feel good enough or the years when I didn't know what I wanted to do for my career --- those were all teaching me to love myself as I am and have confidence in my abilities. It took me awhile but I finally get it. Before I could be loved by anyone else, I needed to learn to love myself. 

There IS a reason for everything. We just have to embrace it.

Mid-Week Mashup

  

**NOTE: I know it is hard to believe, what with my very technologically advanced blog here, but I am actually not very good with tech-ish stuff. So, no, I don't know why my margins are screwed up and no,  I don't know why my cool graphics (which I JUST figured out how to do) aren't all centered like I politely asked them to be. Just be happy you have pictures to look at, okay? End Note.**

It's Wednesday. Which I used to call Bagel Wednesday because my company likes to food push and as such, they provide delicious, fresh, bagels and cream cheese to employees every Wednesday morning. But, since refined carbs are the enemy, today has been reduced to merely "Wednesday." Other food pushing examples from my office include: Recognition Pizza Day (once a month), Chocolate Day (once a year), Fourth of July Pie Day (hopefully you'll understand that this too is only once a year), Tailgating Cook-out (which is once a year and happens to be tomorrow) and Ice Cream Truck Thursdays.

But, I digress. My brain is fried from lack of bagels and too much worky worky, and I can't think of a good post topic. So I am going to post train-of-thought and you can just try to keep up.

Good news on the Fat Ass Front - I am down another 2.5 pounds, bringing the grand total of pounds lost to 12.5 pounds, or Mary-Kate Olsen. There is only one week left in my office Biggest Loser contest and I am currently in the lead. Besides bragging rights, the real bonus is a $740 cash prize. That would buy me a lot of bagels. Or, wine. 
 

 

    I weigh less than Michelle's ass!

So, I need to be super good. I passed up on a work happy hour tonight AND Bubbas softball trivia tonight in order to eat plain grilled chicken and steamed green beans. (Thanks, Pops!) Now I am blogging. With all the extra workouts I'm getting in on the keyboard, I am really starting to see the definition in my fingers. I gave myself a break on cardio tonight (other than a walk) because my knee is killing me from all the workouts I've added in. I'm not whining (okay, I am totally whining) but extra weight puts extra strain on your joints. My poor fat knees needed a break.



Anyway, even though I didn't go this time, I'm super duper happy that I got invited to a work happy hour. Cuz like, you know, I like happy hours. And, friends. Yay! Friends! That don't live in the basement and have four paws. Yay!

What else? Oh yeah, I'm due for a crafting update. Actually, it is probably a crafting introduction. Um. I like to craft. Mainly I knit and felt (for anyone who is not a crafting geek, felting is when you shrink wool down into a felt-like fabric. You can make all sorts of fun stuff out of it. There's needle felting too - which involves a barbed needle and is a great stress reliever.) I am trying to branch out into other crafts, such as this coaster project I want to complete and some other nifty craft ideas that I found on Pinterest.com. Tangent alert ---- Pinterest is like THE coolest website in the Land of Websites. Check it out - you can follow me on there too if you really have no life.

Okay, pulling myself back to topic... so, yes, I love to craft. The funny thing is that my favorite medium is woolen yarn and I am actually very allergic to wool. When I knit with it I have to take breaks because my hands start to itch so much. But, it is so versatile, I still insist on using it. Why? Because...


I think that might be enough random subjects to tackle in just one little bitty post. Plus, the Kate + 8 series finale just came on the TV and I am retching involuntarily so I have to stop typing to change the channel. Until next time, dear readers.

P.S. I'd like to give a shout out to my fellow bloggess and friend, The Swim Diva! She has a super fabulous blog and knows how to do fancy things like make pictures appear and such. Thank you for introducing me to someecards!

Peace out, peeps.



When I'm Walkin', I Strut My Stuff

Today one of my favorite songs came on the radio as I drove home from the office. Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes. I cranked up the radio and sang along and reminisced about my college years - that song takes me back to 1997 and CVP in Towson, MD. (RIP CVP)


Now, I don't want to be in college again. I wouldn't mind looking like I did when I was 21, but I definitely appreciate the maturity that has come with 13 more years of living. (Insert joke about my lack of maturity here.) But, I do miss some things about college. It was a fun-filled four years; what isn't to miss? And, since my fans (Hi, Kamiar and Leah!) were just begging for another post, here's a little comparison of my college memories and my mid-thirties reality. 


Then & Now


In college, I stayed up all night partying at the bars and still got to class on time the next morning. I actually even had an 8 a.m. accounting class. In my mid-thirties,I stay up all night watching bad reality TV or writing a blog that four people read, and barely drag myself out of bed in time to get to the office where I have to drink three cups of coffee before I will speak to a co-worker.


In college, I don't remember paying for a drink; I just always had one in my hand. It helped that I dated a bartender. (Smart, right?) In my mid-thirties, I most definitely pay for my own drinks and then also pay for them the next day with a headache.


In college, if Blister in the Sun came on at the bar, we would all sing and dance along like nuts. Especially when the really quiet part starts and you got really low to the ground and then danced your way back up to jumping up and down and screaming! That was fun, yeah? In my mid-thirties, I don't think I could get back up if I tried to dance that close to the ground.


In college, we would get ready to go out to the bars around 10 p.m. and we'd dance on our beds, singing to the Forrest Gump soundtrack and pre-gaming. In my mid-thirties, the only thing I am getting ready to do at 10 p.m. is go to sleep.


In college, I thought nothing of cramming seven teenagers into my 1990 Isuzu Impulse hatchback and heading downtown for the night. In my mid-thirties, I just posted a rant on Facebook about bratty teenagers who tailgate. (In my defensive, I didn't tailgate - even as a teenager...)


In college, it made perfect sense to wear tiny t-shirts and cute but painful heels, even in the winter, even in the snow. You didn't want to ruin your outfit with a coat, for goodness sake! In my mid-thirties, I just purchased orthopedically correct shoes as a Fall "splurge" (they are actually cute, really!) and am a big fan of dressing appropriately for the weather.


In college, I was really good at beer pong. In my mid-thirties- well, actually, I am still really good at beer pong.


In college, a hangover could be thwarted by eating preventative pizza at 4 a.m., sleeping until 3 p.m. and then going back out the next night. In my mid-thirties, a hangover involves several days of misery and cold sweats. Pizza consumption has been discontinued as the only thing it prevents now is me fitting into my pants.


In college, my favorite part of Thursday nights was $0.25 beer and pizza slice night at the Italian place across from TSU. In my mid-thirties, I pay $9.00 for a glass of pinot grigio, and my favorite part of Thursday nights is Jersey Shore.


Before you think all I did in college was party, I would like to note that I graduated magna cum laude. So, I did study! Although I don't really know HOW after re-reading the above... 

Estrogen Lair

After leaving Chez Cat Hair in Denver last fall, I moved back in with the 'rents (for details, see Blog Post #1). They were sweet enough and thoughtful enough to refinish the basement for me. It is lovely. Upon moving in, I christened it The Estrogen Lair and Rocky, Gus Gus and I settled right in.


In the Estrogen Lair, everything is served with a side of cat hair. In the Estrogen Lair, everyone knows your name, and your name is Meow.


In the Lair, the DVR is a sacred object. I love my DVR. If you said, choose Gus Gus the Cat or your DVR, I would choose my DVR. (Okay, I probably wouldn't, BUT it would be a tough choice.) Anyway, the best thing about my DVR is that it facilitates my polygamist lifestyle. Yes, I am a make-believe, TV-character polygamist. Sue me. You see, I have several husbands - and they visit every week, usually during Prime Time.


Tuesdays are reserved for Mark Harmon and Michael Weatherly, aka Jethro Gibbs and Tony Dinozzo on NCIS. It gets a little tricky at times juggling both of them, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.


Wednesdays, oh ... they are reserved for Shemar Moore. AKA the finest specimen in existence. If you aren't obsessed with crime dramas and actually HAVE a life and don't know who Shemar Moore is, he plays Derek Morgan on Criminal Minds. And, oh what a mind. I love the way his mind looks in those tight t-shirts he wears to solve gruesome and misogynistic crimes every week.


I could go on... there are other crime dramas and there are other men. But, I will spare you. And before you call Shephard Pratt - I know these are fictional characters. Don't have me committed yet. (But, seriously, have you SEEN Shemar Moore's arms in those t-shirts?? I was distraught when he was promoted and had to wear a suit.)


I think I shall devote one entire future post to Mark Harmon, the original Silver Fox. Or maybe Chris Noth on The Good Wife. Or Josh Whats-His-Name on the same show (lucky Alicia!) Or, Simon Baker on The Mentalist. But, for now, I really should get back to lint rolling my sweaters.

Men are from Crazy Town

Look, I'm the first to agree -- women are definitely from Venus. If Venus was a scary place filled with hormonal rants, crying jags and irrational thoughts and not a semi-gaseous planet (Is Venus actually semi-gaseous? I have no idea - I could be thinking of Jupiter).


But men... oh, man... men are from Crazy Town! (And, NOT Crazy Town the one-hit wonder band - whose lead singer was on Season 1 of Celebrity Rehab. Not the same Town. Neighboring counties, but different zips.)


ANYWAYS... to prove my assertion, I submit as Evidence, Item #142, my top five "I Find The Craziest Men" list! (So this entry does not exceed the memory capacity of The Internet itself, I am condensing them. Trust me, there are so many more...)


1. Wee Lil Man:


Date 1 from e-Harmony (circa 2007) - after much sobbing, wine drinking and eggroll-eating following my break up with Mr. Colorado, I was forced onto e-Harmony by well-intentioned friends. I went on two dates before having to close my account due to a cyber-stalking incident (don't worry, that makes the list.) So, Date 1... let me preface this by saying that I am an equal opportunity dater. If you are male, have a pulse and are not currently married, I am open to the possibility. So, Date 1 said he was 5'7". Totally cool. I'm 5'5". I put on my booby shirt (you know, the one that highlights your assets) and these killer brown suede stacked heels (duh, pants too) and went to meet Date 1 at a little pub. I walk in and this guy approaches me... If he stood on his tippy toes, he would have maybe stood as tall as my fabulous stacked heel. Fine, he was maybe 5'2". But, really??? Just say, 5'2". Instead I sat through three drinks (trust me, you would have thrown back the drinks if you outweighed your date by 50 lbs) and listened to the wee little man talk about how he was really into ballroom dancing. Dear Lord. I felt bad for him. I mean, he walked me to my car and actually tried to dip me. I think he threw out his back. Lesson learned here... don't lie about your height or weight or wonky eye, guys (or girls). We'll notice.


2. Hot-Yoga Dude (Not Hot, Yoga Dude):


Hot Yoga Dude started out as a totally great first date. I was super duper excited for a second date. Until he asked me to go to an 8 a.m. hot yoga class together as our second date. I said, well... I'd really prefer to not be all sweaty and icky on just our second date. Plus, I can't do hot yoga - the high temp really makes me feel sick. HYD did not like this answer, no he did not. He ranted and raved about how important it was to him - until I hung up. Buh bye.


3. Self-Help Guru:


Self-help books are great. I have a bunch. I haven't actually read them but I sleep with them under my pillow. You know, osmosis. Anyway, the guy I recently dated was a little obssessed with self-help books. He thought we should set aside an evening a week to "air our grievances" about the relationship in order to strengthen it. I think that could be a great idea - I think communication is paramount to lasting marital success. BUT WE HAD BEEN DATING SEVEN WEEKS. If you have that many things that you need to grieve about, you shouldn't be dating. Geez. This is the same guy that sent me four pages of notes on relationship tips that he had culled from divorce self-help books. He wanted me to memorize them so that we could implement the techniques during our everyday interactions. WTF?


4. Old Guy:


Right before I moved back to MD last year, I went out on a few casual dates with a guy I met volunteering. He was a lot older than me, but we had a ton of fun - and he had a motorcycle! We had a great time riding through the foothills and hanging out, making dinner, going to biker bars (I have many sides to me LOL). Oh, important for the story - he was 20 years sober. Totally cool with me. I didn't drink around him or had maybe a drink or two tops. He was fine with that. And, he knew I was leaving soon - and everything was totally casual. One night, we took his dog for a walk and we saw these kids on a playground. All of a sudden, he made me crouch down in the bushes with him and the dog and said that those kids were probably in a gang and that we needed to surprise them, not let them surprise us. HUH? I thought he was joking. No, he was serious. I actually think he was going through some flashback or something. We finally get back to his house, whew. Then he sits down on his couch and starts to tear up. He said that dating me (and I guess knowing that I was moving away) was testing his sobriety and he couldn't talk to me again. This is a kind of sad one but still. The sheer act of dating me tested someone's sobriety. I don't know what to say about that.


5. Purse Boy


Date Number 2 from E-Harmony. We met for dinner. Now, I don't really care what you eat or order but let me list what he actually had for dinner. You tell me if it is odd - at least odd when paired together. A beer. And, a chocolate milk shake. Together. (Both delicious - not always delicious together.) Okay so whatever, I thought that was odd. But, we talked; I tried to get to know him. He said his proudest moment was graduating college. Why? Because he "was a massive stoner and it was like really amazing that I graduated in just six years." Um, okay. So...not really my thing but, at this point he is still in the "quirky" category. And, then. We stood up and I commented that I liked his coat. He said and I quote, "Thanks, I bought it at a sale. I also bought a purse that I thought I could give to a nice lady one day. It's still in my basement. So, want me to walk you to your car?" Really? Again, say it with me, Really?? I ran, did not walk, away from the guy who probably would have made windchimes out of my rib bones. (This would prove to be the guy who wound up being somewhat stalkerish, but that's another entry.)


So there you have it. There are so many more examples that could be given but I need to wrap it up. I have a hot yoga class to attend.

Cookies and Workout Videos Don't Mix

I have a great idea and it's going to make me rich. I am going to create a line of workout videos for real people. Well, first I have to get skinny because otherwise no one would want to use my videos, BUT THEN I'll put my business plan into action.


My workout videos are going to be different because there will be no annoying encouragement talk at all. No, "Yeah, I see you working hard! Great job, I know you are moving!" Whatever. You can't see me. If you COULD see me, you'd see me huffing and puffing and grunting and dripping sweat onto the floor. My videos will acknowledge that. "Damn, you sure are a sweaty girl! You should wear a sweat band... wow, don't slip honey..."


My videos will also have no mention of how you should be feeling light and airy and buoyant. If I WAS light and airy and buoyant, I would not be doing this f-ing video. Geez. There is no way that my solid as a rock German-Dutch body can feel airy. Even my bones are sturdy. So, no. No, I do not feel light or airy, nor do I look it. Okay? How about, "If you keep doing this video and stop cramming food down your throat, maybe one day you will look as good as me in this skimpy workout outfit and also, possibly, feel light and airy too." Or, something along those lines. I'm still working on the delivery.


Here's another thing my videos would not have in them... references to food. Seriously, is this even up for debate? I literally just worked out to a Barre 3 method tape which was hard as $#%t and in the middle of some crazy ballet pose that I was trying to hold, she said, "Imagine you are holding out a biiiigggg, heavy tray of chocolate chip cookies." Now, why would I want to imagine that? If there was a big tray of cookies in front of me, my ass would be sitting down and eating them, not squatting in a plie holding my shaking, quaking arms out in front of me. Duh. THEN, we move on to the core work and she said, "Imagine you are holding a ripe peach under your chin." Again with the food. So, now I want a cookie and some peach cobbler. HOW is that helpful, you skinny little ballet person?


Not every workout tape is created equal and not all trainers are as annoying as others. I mean, some just make stupid jokes (Tony Horton) which start to grow on you, probably because your brain is being deprived of oxygen doing P90 Turbo X Kenpo Squared Yoga Firebreathing Dragon Cardio X. And, some are actually quite helpful. I am personally motivated by Jillian Michaels - she calls it like it is. I find it refreshing and motivating. And, real. Like when she screams at you to keep going. Yeah it hurts like hell. Yeah it doesn't feel good. Of course you want to stop but you can't because if you don't burn the calories you will stay fat. I like that. Because I am a whiny exerciser when left to my own devices. I will find most anything to avoid it. But, put me in a great class or boot camp and I will keep going. I will fight to finish. Don't get me wrong. She's annoying too. But, at least she's honest.


So, give me a few more months to lose some more weight. Then a few more months to get my funding in order... by this time next year, my Fat Butt Workouts will be available nationwide and they will come complete with some freshly baked cookies.