You Know You Are From Anxiety-Ville When...



I want a cool helmet and spear too.



You Know You Are From Anxiety-Ville When...

1. When you call your mother, then your father, then your sister, then your brother, and no one answers so you decide that they have all perished in separate but equally horrific accidents, or worse, collided in one giant fiery collision all together. Or, they could all be at the movies, gym, a restaurant, sleeping, etc. Or, a giant fiery crash.

2. When you see a smushed, sad little animal lying dead in the middle of the road and you start to get teary and say out loud, "I'm sorry, it isn't fair that humanity has intruded on your idyllic wilderness life, you beautiful, little...crumpled up paper bag." Oops.

3. When you decide to go on E-Harmony and instead of thinking that it is really exciting that there are more than 70 men emailing you, you think OMG I HAVE 70 MEN TO RESPOND TO! I don't have time to handle all of this, I will have to use a sick day, I need to stay up all night, I can't even stop to take a bathroom break, I have to get through all of my prospective matches or I may not get married oh my god just typing this has made me break out in a cold sweat. (this is totally hypothetical and has never happened. ever.)

Let's be honest. Isn't EVERY dating site catering to the undatable?
If we were all datable, we'd be dating, not setting up dumbass profiles online.
Just saying.

4. When you lay in bed and start to say your usual evening prayer and wind up 20 minutes later crying because you miss your dead parents and then you realize that you were praying and then your crazy ass head started thinking and you wound up concocting a horrible story and lost 20 minutes of your actual life because you just had an imaginary funeral in your head and it was really traumatic and you need therapy.

5. When you think about how grateful you are that you are not schizophrenic, because that would be terrible. Besides, you don't hear voiceS, you just hear ONE voice. Your voice. Over and over and over and over, thinking up multiple scenarios and situations until you feel like you ARE schizophrenic but worse.

Um. Yeah.

6. When you are lying in bed and you start to literally count the months until your eggs take their next drastic statistical drop in viability. (Eight, to save you the math.)

7. When you cannot, will not, drive your car without talking to someone on the phone for fear of getting lost...in your own head. Or conversely, when you arrive at your destination with no memory of how you drove there because you WERE lost in your own head.

8. When you really don't have an eighth example because you are tired of typing and realize you already sound like you should be committed to an asylum but you can't stop on an odd number because you do everything in evens so you had to type out an eighth example.

The End.

Thanksgiving

So. It's Thanksgiving Eve. And, on this Eve of Thanks, I have so much to be thankful for--today, tomorrow, always; I truly do. I am blessed. But...you know it wouldn't be a blog entry unless I brought out some snark...oh, and let's get the standard "thank you for"s out of the way - obviously I am thankful for my family, friends, health and guacamole. But, I'm already developing carpal tunnel; brevity is queen. SO, without further ado, I present my random list of things I am thankful for, in no particular order.

1. I am thankful for coffee. I readily admit my addiction to caffeine but even if someone subbed out my "bold" (caffeinated) blend for a decaf, I would still relish the smell and taste of my coffee. I am just not awake until I've had a few cups. Ask my parents, exes, co-workers. I'm much more pleasant after my morning Joe.

2. I am thankful for TV. I know, TV is rotting my brain from the inside out, kind of like zombies, or meth maybe. But, I have never done meth and I don't know any zombies and frankly I really like TV. So suck it. But before you do, please add "I am thankful for my DVR" to your suck-it list.

3. I am thankful that when you get fat, some of the fat goes to your boobs. I think that might be self-explanatory. It is the one perk. Well, technically it is two perks.

4. I am thankful for my job, because, although it is really stressful and sometimes I want to vomit, I actually really like it there. Although, they food push. Which I don't like because it's "blood food," like "blood diamonds" but not diamonds-bagels-but you know it's really the same concept. Except not exactly. But kind of. Anyway, I am still thankful for my job. There are some coolio people that I work with and I am happy to be making friends there. Also I really enjoy paychecks.

5. I am thankful for granny panties. If you have ever worn a thong, then put on some big ole comfy soft granny panties, you know what I mean. If no one else knows what I mean, then maybe I just realized why I'm still single.

6. I'm thankful for toilet paper. Have you ever wiped your ass with leaves? Me either. Do you want to? Me either. The end.

7. I'm thankful for my iPhone. Apparently I existed before I joined the Apple ranks but I don't remember it. Now it is completely normal to be at a happy hour and be discussing prison and liquor and decide to pull up a recipe for Pruno. (Seriously, Google it. It's a real thing. Also, I never want to go to prison. Someone will eat me for dinner. On many levels.)

8. I'm thankful for my eyeballs. Frankly eyeballs scare me in their actual physicality BUT in the whole "I CAN SEE" realm, I will never, EVER, take sight for granted. I cannot remember a time when I could see without glasses or contacts. My entire life was cloudy - quite literally. Foam caps became sharks in the ocean. My shampoo looked like conditioner in the shower. My alarm clock had to be within inches of my face in order to make an impact. And then I had Lasik after 25+ years of blur. Thank you, Pop Pop, for funding that. It was a life-changing procedure. I can see 20-20 today. Some days I want to cry - even four years later - because a leaf or a night sky or a sign in the distance - is so crystal clear. Many people have poor vision. But until you experience life cloudy and clear, you'll never understand.

9. I'm thankful for Facebook. Sure, you COULD get depressed by reading how every other single solitary f'ing friend you have is pregnant/getting married/is married/is a millionaire/is going to be a millionaire/is about to be a mom/just got engaged/is at least having sex... BUT NO. Holla, Mark Z. I don't have kids and I'm not married. Yes, my status updates often include my cats and sometimes my mother. But, that is my life. It is what it is. I'm proud of it.

10. I'm thankful for all of my ex-boyfriends. As one of my very very VERY cute (and young- oh so young) co-workers said the other day, "Michelle, how many guys HAVE you dated?" I said, "Doll, I've got 10 years on you and I made the most of them." Winky Winky. Okay, I totally didn't answer like that. But, it's TRUE! I have dated. I have dated a lot. I have dated so much that I think there could be a http://www.didudatemichellenifsosignupheresoudontdoitagain.com/ Or you could buy that domain. Either way. I'm still thankful - GRATEFUL - to "all the (men) I've loved before." Why????? OMG. Because I am who I am today because of them. Dear God. I don't even know the girl who put up with the guy who belittled her regularly, even in front of friends. I don't know the poor child who dated a guy who moved her across country, just to drink himself into a stupor every weekend so she could spend her first 52 weekends in Colorado sitting alone in an apartment crying and clinging to Mr. Tonsils (he's a stuffed bear, don't judge.)
I don't know the girl who put up with countless moments in hopes that it would still lead to "her life as she imagined it." I can't believe how many years I wasted saying,"he is good enough," only to be devastated when he broke up with me later. Holy moly guacamole, I am SO THANKFUL  for my exes! No one until today would be the right man for me. I would have molded myself to fit his needs and that ain't right. So, thanks boyz! :)

And, for giggles, 10  more thanks-I'm-giving are...

11. Indian food
12. White Out - but the good stuff, not the liquid
13. Courage - damn, when did I get some of that??
14. Pads with Wings. Until you have a uterus and vagina and are feeling like you are about to bleed to death, you will never understand how damn happy some weird diaper with wing thingys can make you. Also see *Granny Panties*
15. Chicken McNuggets. I'm sorry! I love them. Too soon after the whole bleeding to death mention? Sorry.
16. Rocky the Cat
17. Gus the Cat
18. My credit score. Bitch, it is that high.
19. Moisturizer. Especially Burts Bees. It's da bomb. Have you noticed my wrinkles lately? Exactly.
20. HOPE. Because I have to have it.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! Kisses, Hugs and Smoochies.

A Speculum-Tacular Morning

**Note - this post is about a trip to the gyno. If you are a male and would like to stop reading, feel free... This concludes your spoiler alert**

Any female can relate to the general indignities associated with her yearly trip to see the "lady" doctor. Of course, if you are old enough to read this, you're old enough to say the word gynecologist. Men included. Uh oh, I feel a tangent coming on...It's funny how men get all weird about "female" stuff. Like they squeal or wrinkle their noses if they hear the word "period" or "ovulate." Oooohhh. Buck up, lil man. I have to watch you adjust your junk-I mean PENIS-in public. You should be able to hear the word tampon without freaking out. End tangent.

So anyway back to my doctor's appointment. First of all, there is nothing like beginning your day with a gyno appointment. What's not to like? First you get to pee in a cup which is always a good time, especially leaving it in a little window for someone, probably the poor woman who just had to take my insurance card, to pick up. Gross. And, gross.

Then, it is time to be weighed. The nurse kindly informed me that they take off two pounds for clothes and shoes. I still took off my shoes. She still took off two pounds. I told her that I liked her a lot.

Next you get to undress and put on a gown that has been worn by more women than I'd like to think about and has been laundered within an inch of its life. Then you get to sit in a cold exam room completely naked, save for the gown, and wait for the doctor. Then after you wait, you wait some more. After a lot of waiting, which I have always thought could be done fully clothed in the waiting room, the doctor comes in.

Now, I must say, my new doctor is very nice. She was great. Very chatty. Perhaps a tad too chatty considering I prefer to be looking at people during conversations, not looking at the ceiling. Oh, yeah, I forgot the whole feet in the stirrups, ass off the table part. Also a good time.

After the medieval salad tongs have been inserted, the doctor does her thing. Then she squeezes your boobs a bit for good measure (admittedly the most action I've had in a while) and you are all done.

She took some information from me, standard stuff, and of course, one of the standard questions is "What is your method of birth control?" I answered "I live with my parents. It's very effective." We had a nice chuckle together; we're practically besties now.

All in all, the morning could have been a lot worse. I could have had a colonscopy or something.