Thanksgiving

So. It's Thanksgiving Eve. And, on this Eve of Thanks, I have so much to be thankful for--today, tomorrow, always; I truly do. I am blessed. But...you know it wouldn't be a blog entry unless I brought out some snark...oh, and let's get the standard "thank you for"s out of the way - obviously I am thankful for my family, friends, health and guacamole. But, I'm already developing carpal tunnel; brevity is queen. SO, without further ado, I present my random list of things I am thankful for, in no particular order.

1. I am thankful for coffee. I readily admit my addiction to caffeine but even if someone subbed out my "bold" (caffeinated) blend for a decaf, I would still relish the smell and taste of my coffee. I am just not awake until I've had a few cups. Ask my parents, exes, co-workers. I'm much more pleasant after my morning Joe.

2. I am thankful for TV. I know, TV is rotting my brain from the inside out, kind of like zombies, or meth maybe. But, I have never done meth and I don't know any zombies and frankly I really like TV. So suck it. But before you do, please add "I am thankful for my DVR" to your suck-it list.

3. I am thankful that when you get fat, some of the fat goes to your boobs. I think that might be self-explanatory. It is the one perk. Well, technically it is two perks.

4. I am thankful for my job, because, although it is really stressful and sometimes I want to vomit, I actually really like it there. Although, they food push. Which I don't like because it's "blood food," like "blood diamonds" but not diamonds-bagels-but you know it's really the same concept. Except not exactly. But kind of. Anyway, I am still thankful for my job. There are some coolio people that I work with and I am happy to be making friends there. Also I really enjoy paychecks.

5. I am thankful for granny panties. If you have ever worn a thong, then put on some big ole comfy soft granny panties, you know what I mean. If no one else knows what I mean, then maybe I just realized why I'm still single.

6. I'm thankful for toilet paper. Have you ever wiped your ass with leaves? Me either. Do you want to? Me either. The end.

7. I'm thankful for my iPhone. Apparently I existed before I joined the Apple ranks but I don't remember it. Now it is completely normal to be at a happy hour and be discussing prison and liquor and decide to pull up a recipe for Pruno. (Seriously, Google it. It's a real thing. Also, I never want to go to prison. Someone will eat me for dinner. On many levels.)

8. I'm thankful for my eyeballs. Frankly eyeballs scare me in their actual physicality BUT in the whole "I CAN SEE" realm, I will never, EVER, take sight for granted. I cannot remember a time when I could see without glasses or contacts. My entire life was cloudy - quite literally. Foam caps became sharks in the ocean. My shampoo looked like conditioner in the shower. My alarm clock had to be within inches of my face in order to make an impact. And then I had Lasik after 25+ years of blur. Thank you, Pop Pop, for funding that. It was a life-changing procedure. I can see 20-20 today. Some days I want to cry - even four years later - because a leaf or a night sky or a sign in the distance - is so crystal clear. Many people have poor vision. But until you experience life cloudy and clear, you'll never understand.

9. I'm thankful for Facebook. Sure, you COULD get depressed by reading how every other single solitary f'ing friend you have is pregnant/getting married/is married/is a millionaire/is going to be a millionaire/is about to be a mom/just got engaged/is at least having sex... BUT NO. Holla, Mark Z. I don't have kids and I'm not married. Yes, my status updates often include my cats and sometimes my mother. But, that is my life. It is what it is. I'm proud of it.

10. I'm thankful for all of my ex-boyfriends. As one of my very very VERY cute (and young- oh so young) co-workers said the other day, "Michelle, how many guys HAVE you dated?" I said, "Doll, I've got 10 years on you and I made the most of them." Winky Winky. Okay, I totally didn't answer like that. But, it's TRUE! I have dated. I have dated a lot. I have dated so much that I think there could be a http://www.didudatemichellenifsosignupheresoudontdoitagain.com/ Or you could buy that domain. Either way. I'm still thankful - GRATEFUL - to "all the (men) I've loved before." Why????? OMG. Because I am who I am today because of them. Dear God. I don't even know the girl who put up with the guy who belittled her regularly, even in front of friends. I don't know the poor child who dated a guy who moved her across country, just to drink himself into a stupor every weekend so she could spend her first 52 weekends in Colorado sitting alone in an apartment crying and clinging to Mr. Tonsils (he's a stuffed bear, don't judge.)
I don't know the girl who put up with countless moments in hopes that it would still lead to "her life as she imagined it." I can't believe how many years I wasted saying,"he is good enough," only to be devastated when he broke up with me later. Holy moly guacamole, I am SO THANKFUL  for my exes! No one until today would be the right man for me. I would have molded myself to fit his needs and that ain't right. So, thanks boyz! :)

And, for giggles, 10  more thanks-I'm-giving are...

11. Indian food
12. White Out - but the good stuff, not the liquid
13. Courage - damn, when did I get some of that??
14. Pads with Wings. Until you have a uterus and vagina and are feeling like you are about to bleed to death, you will never understand how damn happy some weird diaper with wing thingys can make you. Also see *Granny Panties*
15. Chicken McNuggets. I'm sorry! I love them. Too soon after the whole bleeding to death mention? Sorry.
16. Rocky the Cat
17. Gus the Cat
18. My credit score. Bitch, it is that high.
19. Moisturizer. Especially Burts Bees. It's da bomb. Have you noticed my wrinkles lately? Exactly.
20. HOPE. Because I have to have it.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! Kisses, Hugs and Smoochies.