You Know You Are From Anxiety-Ville When...



I want a cool helmet and spear too.



You Know You Are From Anxiety-Ville When...

1. When you call your mother, then your father, then your sister, then your brother, and no one answers so you decide that they have all perished in separate but equally horrific accidents, or worse, collided in one giant fiery collision all together. Or, they could all be at the movies, gym, a restaurant, sleeping, etc. Or, a giant fiery crash.

2. When you see a smushed, sad little animal lying dead in the middle of the road and you start to get teary and say out loud, "I'm sorry, it isn't fair that humanity has intruded on your idyllic wilderness life, you beautiful, little...crumpled up paper bag." Oops.

3. When you decide to go on E-Harmony and instead of thinking that it is really exciting that there are more than 70 men emailing you, you think OMG I HAVE 70 MEN TO RESPOND TO! I don't have time to handle all of this, I will have to use a sick day, I need to stay up all night, I can't even stop to take a bathroom break, I have to get through all of my prospective matches or I may not get married oh my god just typing this has made me break out in a cold sweat. (this is totally hypothetical and has never happened. ever.)

Let's be honest. Isn't EVERY dating site catering to the undatable?
If we were all datable, we'd be dating, not setting up dumbass profiles online.
Just saying.

4. When you lay in bed and start to say your usual evening prayer and wind up 20 minutes later crying because you miss your dead parents and then you realize that you were praying and then your crazy ass head started thinking and you wound up concocting a horrible story and lost 20 minutes of your actual life because you just had an imaginary funeral in your head and it was really traumatic and you need therapy.

5. When you think about how grateful you are that you are not schizophrenic, because that would be terrible. Besides, you don't hear voiceS, you just hear ONE voice. Your voice. Over and over and over and over, thinking up multiple scenarios and situations until you feel like you ARE schizophrenic but worse.

Um. Yeah.

6. When you are lying in bed and you start to literally count the months until your eggs take their next drastic statistical drop in viability. (Eight, to save you the math.)

7. When you cannot, will not, drive your car without talking to someone on the phone for fear of getting lost...in your own head. Or conversely, when you arrive at your destination with no memory of how you drove there because you WERE lost in your own head.

8. When you really don't have an eighth example because you are tired of typing and realize you already sound like you should be committed to an asylum but you can't stop on an odd number because you do everything in evens so you had to type out an eighth example.

The End.