I Wish...

When You Wish Upon A Star...

Do you make wishes? I'm sure you do. Everyone does. Except for one co-worker who once told me this horrible story about how his older sister ruined his third birthday and every wish moment thereafter by telling him that wishes don't come true after three-year-old co-worker proclaimed his wish of goggles for his birthday gift. He doesn't make wishes anymore...sniff.

Anyway. Wishes. I make them. Upon a star, on an eyelash, when the clock turns 1:11, or 4:44 (because four is my favorite number). When I find a stray eyelash on my cheek, I always wish for health. Always have. And, I wish and hope and pray for world peace, and an end to world hunger and an end to the continual degradation of our planet. But, those are things that, you know, not really something I think I can wish away on an eyelash unfortunately. So, this post is about other random shit I wish for - in no particular order...

Wish 1: I don't claim to know what it feels like to be married. I don't know how it feels to be fully committed to someone and all the good and bad things that may come with that. In the same regard, if you haven't been 34 and single, don't act like you know what it feels like to be me. Or any other single person over 30. It's weird out here in Singleville. And, it is sometimes lonely. So, I WISH that some people would stop being Judge Judy McJudgey about anything I do and go back to The Land of Married. K?

Being single sucks the most when you have the flu
and there is no one to bring you ginger ale in bed. There are other things I miss too...
but my mother reads this blog.

Wish 2: I WISH that my bangs looked as cute as Zooey Deschanel's bangs do. I also WISH that Zooey Deschanel's name wasn't so f-ing hard to spell.

Zooey, be my friend?

Wish 3: I WISH that wine was calorie- and hangover-free. I miss wine. I WISH I had some wine right now. I shall make do with wHine.

Wish 4: I WISH that that Primetime TV started at 7 p.m. on the east coast. I don't like to stay up until 11 p.m. to watch TV. I know this is a lame and whiny wish - but see Wish #3 and wHine. Oh and don't just say to DVR it. I have to keep up with the shows or the shows have babies while they are in the DVR and by the weekend there are lots of shows that I need to watch, thereby eliminating any hope for productivity on the weekend. So I accept my fate as an east coast resident and stay up. I'm a real trooper.

Wish 5: I WISH that people were more tolerant, loving and accepting. I'm still kind of confused as to why people fight over religion or "in the name of" religion,  (Hi! Let's blow each other up because we believe in different gods, who coincidentally want us to be peaceful and love each other - hey wait a second, something sounded flawed in my argument just then...) and why some people care who other people marry. From where I stand (well, currently I'm sitting with my ankle elevated because I rolled it sliding into second base in last night's softball game) there isn't much to discuss. I get to marry who I want (which at THIS POINT would be anyone. No I'm not desperate, geez.) and you can marry who you want and we can all have some nice calorie-free wine together. Bam. I should be like president or something. I am a problem-solver.

Wish 6: I WISH Snooki wouldn't wear those white fuzzy boots. It looks like she is wearing two white Pomeranians on her feet.

 Call the ASPCA. Or PETA. Or the Fashion Police.

Wish 7: I WISH that I enjoyed cooking. Frankly, I hate to cook. I only enjoy eating which is why I let Whole Foods cook for me. Or Jenny Craig. Or Marie Calendar. Or Amy - what is Amy's last name? Anyway, they are all nice ladies who make me frozen dinners.

Wish 8: I'm not going to WISH that I lose the rest of my weight because I can't wish it away, I have sweat it off my ass. But, here is what I do wish. I WISH that I keep my boobs when I do lose the weight because boobs are the only bonus to getting fat.

Wish 9: I WISH I was a mother. Hopefully all of my eggs haven't evaporated already...cuz I know that my kids would be super cute and very well dressed. And, I need some small humans to buy stickers and school supplies and glitter barrettes for because it is hard to pull off stickers when you are 34.

Wish 10: I WISH that I didn't have cankles. And I do. Have cankles. They aren't fat. My ankle bones are huge. And, until last night I thought that the bonus to having ginormous German cankles was that they were unbreakable, invincible really - and then I slid in a softball game after not sliding for 17 years and, well, it turns out that giant German bones can be twisted after all. So, now there really IS NO reason to be okay with The Cankles.

Proof that The Internet has clip art for every situation.

So, there you have it. Ten excellent wishes that you can feel free to borrow if you are short on wishes. If you wouldn't mind wishing about the cankles, I'd appreciate it. I've always wanted to wear ankle strap heels and frankly it is not a good idea at the moment (see above diagram).

Tomorrow, I'm going to Michael's to buy a -- wait for it -- darning needle. Because I am that exciting and because... I want to finish these cool knitted cowl neck things that I've made and I need a darning needle which someone got misplaced somewhere between Denver and Damascus. Probably some bitch in Nebraska is using my darning needle right now. Anyway, point is, I'm going to finish up my projects and post them so you can exalt in my crafting skills. Don't get so excited that you hold your breath until tomorrow!!

xoxo