Cookies and Workout Videos Don't Mix

I have a great idea and it's going to make me rich. I am going to create a line of workout videos for real people. Well, first I have to get skinny because otherwise no one would want to use my videos, BUT THEN I'll put my business plan into action.


My workout videos are going to be different because there will be no annoying encouragement talk at all. No, "Yeah, I see you working hard! Great job, I know you are moving!" Whatever. You can't see me. If you COULD see me, you'd see me huffing and puffing and grunting and dripping sweat onto the floor. My videos will acknowledge that. "Damn, you sure are a sweaty girl! You should wear a sweat band... wow, don't slip honey..."


My videos will also have no mention of how you should be feeling light and airy and buoyant. If I WAS light and airy and buoyant, I would not be doing this f-ing video. Geez. There is no way that my solid as a rock German-Dutch body can feel airy. Even my bones are sturdy. So, no. No, I do not feel light or airy, nor do I look it. Okay? How about, "If you keep doing this video and stop cramming food down your throat, maybe one day you will look as good as me in this skimpy workout outfit and also, possibly, feel light and airy too." Or, something along those lines. I'm still working on the delivery.


Here's another thing my videos would not have in them... references to food. Seriously, is this even up for debate? I literally just worked out to a Barre 3 method tape which was hard as $#%t and in the middle of some crazy ballet pose that I was trying to hold, she said, "Imagine you are holding out a biiiigggg, heavy tray of chocolate chip cookies." Now, why would I want to imagine that? If there was a big tray of cookies in front of me, my ass would be sitting down and eating them, not squatting in a plie holding my shaking, quaking arms out in front of me. Duh. THEN, we move on to the core work and she said, "Imagine you are holding a ripe peach under your chin." Again with the food. So, now I want a cookie and some peach cobbler. HOW is that helpful, you skinny little ballet person?


Not every workout tape is created equal and not all trainers are as annoying as others. I mean, some just make stupid jokes (Tony Horton) which start to grow on you, probably because your brain is being deprived of oxygen doing P90 Turbo X Kenpo Squared Yoga Firebreathing Dragon Cardio X. And, some are actually quite helpful. I am personally motivated by Jillian Michaels - she calls it like it is. I find it refreshing and motivating. And, real. Like when she screams at you to keep going. Yeah it hurts like hell. Yeah it doesn't feel good. Of course you want to stop but you can't because if you don't burn the calories you will stay fat. I like that. Because I am a whiny exerciser when left to my own devices. I will find most anything to avoid it. But, put me in a great class or boot camp and I will keep going. I will fight to finish. Don't get me wrong. She's annoying too. But, at least she's honest.


So, give me a few more months to lose some more weight. Then a few more months to get my funding in order... by this time next year, my Fat Butt Workouts will be available nationwide and they will come complete with some freshly baked cookies.