Men are from Crazy Town

Look, I'm the first to agree -- women are definitely from Venus. If Venus was a scary place filled with hormonal rants, crying jags and irrational thoughts and not a semi-gaseous planet (Is Venus actually semi-gaseous? I have no idea - I could be thinking of Jupiter).


But men... oh, man... men are from Crazy Town! (And, NOT Crazy Town the one-hit wonder band - whose lead singer was on Season 1 of Celebrity Rehab. Not the same Town. Neighboring counties, but different zips.)


ANYWAYS... to prove my assertion, I submit as Evidence, Item #142, my top five "I Find The Craziest Men" list! (So this entry does not exceed the memory capacity of The Internet itself, I am condensing them. Trust me, there are so many more...)


1. Wee Lil Man:


Date 1 from e-Harmony (circa 2007) - after much sobbing, wine drinking and eggroll-eating following my break up with Mr. Colorado, I was forced onto e-Harmony by well-intentioned friends. I went on two dates before having to close my account due to a cyber-stalking incident (don't worry, that makes the list.) So, Date 1... let me preface this by saying that I am an equal opportunity dater. If you are male, have a pulse and are not currently married, I am open to the possibility. So, Date 1 said he was 5'7". Totally cool. I'm 5'5". I put on my booby shirt (you know, the one that highlights your assets) and these killer brown suede stacked heels (duh, pants too) and went to meet Date 1 at a little pub. I walk in and this guy approaches me... If he stood on his tippy toes, he would have maybe stood as tall as my fabulous stacked heel. Fine, he was maybe 5'2". But, really??? Just say, 5'2". Instead I sat through three drinks (trust me, you would have thrown back the drinks if you outweighed your date by 50 lbs) and listened to the wee little man talk about how he was really into ballroom dancing. Dear Lord. I felt bad for him. I mean, he walked me to my car and actually tried to dip me. I think he threw out his back. Lesson learned here... don't lie about your height or weight or wonky eye, guys (or girls). We'll notice.


2. Hot-Yoga Dude (Not Hot, Yoga Dude):


Hot Yoga Dude started out as a totally great first date. I was super duper excited for a second date. Until he asked me to go to an 8 a.m. hot yoga class together as our second date. I said, well... I'd really prefer to not be all sweaty and icky on just our second date. Plus, I can't do hot yoga - the high temp really makes me feel sick. HYD did not like this answer, no he did not. He ranted and raved about how important it was to him - until I hung up. Buh bye.


3. Self-Help Guru:


Self-help books are great. I have a bunch. I haven't actually read them but I sleep with them under my pillow. You know, osmosis. Anyway, the guy I recently dated was a little obssessed with self-help books. He thought we should set aside an evening a week to "air our grievances" about the relationship in order to strengthen it. I think that could be a great idea - I think communication is paramount to lasting marital success. BUT WE HAD BEEN DATING SEVEN WEEKS. If you have that many things that you need to grieve about, you shouldn't be dating. Geez. This is the same guy that sent me four pages of notes on relationship tips that he had culled from divorce self-help books. He wanted me to memorize them so that we could implement the techniques during our everyday interactions. WTF?


4. Old Guy:


Right before I moved back to MD last year, I went out on a few casual dates with a guy I met volunteering. He was a lot older than me, but we had a ton of fun - and he had a motorcycle! We had a great time riding through the foothills and hanging out, making dinner, going to biker bars (I have many sides to me LOL). Oh, important for the story - he was 20 years sober. Totally cool with me. I didn't drink around him or had maybe a drink or two tops. He was fine with that. And, he knew I was leaving soon - and everything was totally casual. One night, we took his dog for a walk and we saw these kids on a playground. All of a sudden, he made me crouch down in the bushes with him and the dog and said that those kids were probably in a gang and that we needed to surprise them, not let them surprise us. HUH? I thought he was joking. No, he was serious. I actually think he was going through some flashback or something. We finally get back to his house, whew. Then he sits down on his couch and starts to tear up. He said that dating me (and I guess knowing that I was moving away) was testing his sobriety and he couldn't talk to me again. This is a kind of sad one but still. The sheer act of dating me tested someone's sobriety. I don't know what to say about that.


5. Purse Boy


Date Number 2 from E-Harmony. We met for dinner. Now, I don't really care what you eat or order but let me list what he actually had for dinner. You tell me if it is odd - at least odd when paired together. A beer. And, a chocolate milk shake. Together. (Both delicious - not always delicious together.) Okay so whatever, I thought that was odd. But, we talked; I tried to get to know him. He said his proudest moment was graduating college. Why? Because he "was a massive stoner and it was like really amazing that I graduated in just six years." Um, okay. So...not really my thing but, at this point he is still in the "quirky" category. And, then. We stood up and I commented that I liked his coat. He said and I quote, "Thanks, I bought it at a sale. I also bought a purse that I thought I could give to a nice lady one day. It's still in my basement. So, want me to walk you to your car?" Really? Again, say it with me, Really?? I ran, did not walk, away from the guy who probably would have made windchimes out of my rib bones. (This would prove to be the guy who wound up being somewhat stalkerish, but that's another entry.)


So there you have it. There are so many more examples that could be given but I need to wrap it up. I have a hot yoga class to attend.